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One Man's Meat Is
Another Woah-man's Poison

The official Un-consensus on which toxic foods to
avoid, from Anopsology to Zen Macrobiotics

by Jean-Louis Tu & friends
Copyright © 1997 by Jean-Louis Tu. All rights reserved.
Contact author for permission to republish.

Our intrepid reporter on "consumer" affairs, Jean-Louis Tu, after
lengthy investigation, brings you the following advice about which toxic
foods to avoid and how to protect yourself--as he was admonished below
by the following independent authorities on their own recognizance.

The Zone Defense
High glycemic-index foods, like bananas and carrots, can be extremely detrimental to your health. On the other hand, thanks to the high fat content, you can still eat ice cream. Take one ice cream cone, add a small quantity of protein (extra-firm tofu if you are a vegetarian; frog legs, if instincto) plus two macadamia nuts, and you will obtain a perfectly healthy meal in the Zone. You will soon enjoy not only perfect health--but also Olympic fitness.

The USDA's Bacterial Prevention Prescription
Warning: Despite our many precautions and rigorous inspections, a bacteria-free product cannot be guaranteed. Wash your hands with plenty of soap and water before opening this package; then cook your food thoroughly dead to insure the germs are too. Wash your hands again before serving. Remember, raw food may contain many poisons: Don't let children play with it, handle it, or even think about eating it. If ingestion ever occurs, however, don't induce vomiting, since contamination has probably occurred already, and there is nothing you can do except to immediately consult a physician who will administer more poisons to expel the original one. Don't forget to wash your hands once again afterwards to banish the vile germs into oblivion which we are constantly breathing in the very air and can never hope to eliminate except with more soap and water.

The Anopsologist's Instinctual Inhibition
Avoid all foods heated above 104°F! Steamed vegetables? No way! I know this because whenever I eat excessively heated food, my digestion complains. It doesn't happen to you because, after so many years of bad habits, your body is still in a state of tolerance. Moreover, avoid wheat and dairy--they can trigger auto-immunological responses, among other troubles. We should eat only our natural diet, unprocessed. See my kitchen: my dried bananas have been perfectly dehydrated at below 104°F and my jarred olives have no salt or vinegar added.

The Vegan's Venal Venture
Avoid meat! Meat is unhealthy. Besides, killing for food is immoral: that's why I am vegetarian, but as that reason is not good enough for you to give up meat, I am trying hard to convince you that meat is bad for your health.

The Fruitarian's Finagle of Froth and Faith
The natural diet of humans is fruit, as confirmed by studies among our primate cousins and fossil evidence (for which, unfortunately, we have lost all the footnote references you asked for). All other food, especially cooked food, is poison, especially the DUM (dead uncooked meat) diet of the instink-toes! Besides, I cannot believe in the arguments of evolution showing that humans are omnivores because the arguments of this theory have no foundations but the pseudoscientific evolutionary Religion of un-Science. This I know full well is erroneous due to my strong faith in what I know I must believe instead.

Capital advice from the RAW listgroup's Egoic Exemplar
It has been My understanding after many years of inestimable Experience that fatty and starchy foods are not adapted to the biological Design of Humans. Every morning, I drink 2 liters of vegetable juice and in the evening, I have a fruit-only meal. I would not advise You to follow the same path, for it is a difficult one; but if You do so, please be aware that You will go through a painful detoxification process, for once Your body ceases to be poisoned by starchy and fatty foods, all its Energy will be used to Heal itself from many years of unnatural dietary habits on its glorious Road to the inspired Knowledge of a Certain state beyond all Hope of reason. Truly Respectfully Yours, --I.M. Tufahr-Gahn

The Worrisome Warnings of the Hypothesizing Hygienist Gone Haywire
All protein foods including raw nuts, seeds, and sprouts are toxic. Many green veggies are bitter, hence toxic. In fact, everything on the planet, except fruit, is toxic!! Your diet should be 100% fruit, especially sweet fruit (using the common definition, not the botanical definition). Fruit is ideal because it has the same nutrient profile as mother's milk (never mind that the profiles for vitamins B-12, D, biotin, sodium, potassium, calcium, magnesium, fat and fatty acids, amino acid profile, and carbohydrates [sugar] don't match). Milk is a horror, never mind that fruit is the ideal food because it is supposedly just like mother's milk. If you have a 100% fruit diet, you can achieve physical health (never mind that you will be emaciated and weak) and be mentally UNbalanced, just like me!

The Paleolithic Precaution
First of all, avoid too much carbohydrate! Our paleo-ancestors didn't use grains or sugar, very little fruit, and were in a perpetual state of ketosis. Secondly, avoid all toxic foods like dairy, beans, grains, potatoes. Even corn and peanuts are toxic. We should eat only the foods we could stab with a sharp stick while naked. For instance, at breakfast this morning, I had a 22-oz. T-bone steak (I will give you the recipe if you want), followed by a cup of tea. My weight has improved a lot, but I found that fiber supplements helped me control my cholesterol.

The Zen Macrobiotician's Contentions
Raw foods are generally inedible and/or poisonous. Your diet should balance yin and yang, and be 100% cooked. Be sure to use lots of your good friend, sea salt, in your cooking. Avoid raw: Raw-food diets make you a space cadet!

The Caloric-Restricter's Regression Equation
ALL food is ultimately toxic due to wear and tear on the metabolism. The more you eat, the less long you live, as shown by scientific studies with worms and primates. My weight is 88 lbs (just right for my height of 6'1"), my body temperature 95°F, my heartbeat 27 BPM, my blood pressure 40/15, and my hair's rate of growth on average 0.4 inch/month with standard deviation 0.07. Also, would you be so kind as to lift me off the scales when I am done weighing myself here? I am too weak to get off them myself, but even if I were not, the waste of energy would be certain to decrease my lifespan.

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