Beyond Veg Light Bulb Jokes
(various ornery contributors)
Okay, here's some to get the ball rolling, everybody. (SEND MORE!)
Q. How many instinctos does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A1. At least two, so there can be an argument over whether light bulbs should even be used in the first place--they don't occur as an "original" product of nature, after all.
A2. Seven. One to sniff the bulb and then begin screwing it in a quarter-turn at a time while the other six try to detect the exact "stop" point beyond which the bulb should not be tightened further.
Q. How many vegans does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Four. One on whom they can fob off the unavoidable task while the other three anguish over how many animals were killed by the habitat destruction necessary to extract the minerals required to manufacture the bulb.
Q. How many paleodieters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Only one, but they would never dream of changing a bulb without first crushing the old one to a fine powder with their bare hands to try out in their next awful-tasting pemmican recipe.
Q. How many natural hygienists does it take to change a light bulb?
A1. Did someone say CHANGE something?
A2. Few are willing to risk trying it just yet, pending republication of the proper instructions from Herbert Shelton's long-out-of-print encyclopedic book, The Science and Fine Art of Light Bulb Replacement.
Q. How many fruitarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Fruitarians can't screw, because doing so would deplete the vital prana that illuminates their lives instead.
Or make that instead:
Q. How screws many it take fruitarians does to light a bulb change?
A. Six thought and again three much disorder for too deficiency zinc.
Q. How many Zone dieters does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Just one, but only a special 3-way, 40-30-30 bulb will be permitted, otherwise the light and energy emitted won't fall in the proper spectrum.
Q. How many raw vegan kids does it take to change a light bulb?
A. It would probably only take a couple, but raw vegan children are difficult to find--they're too busy sneaking over to the neighbor kid's house to watch violent cartoons and scarf down barbecued Slim Jims and Dad's root beer.
Q. How many Paleodiet researchers does it take to change a light bulb?
- Five tenured Ph.D.s to traipse off to the bowels of the lab or library to research the process and come up with suitable procedures and peer-reviewed references;
- a hapless first-year grad student to actually do the dirty work of changing the bulb as a major requirement along the way toward their thesis;
- leaving one full professor who actually managed a C+ in English Comp 101 to write up and seriously obfuscate the results so nobody else can understand what they did or encroach on their turf;
- plus a prestigious old friend at Home State U (with the needed journal connections) and three post-docs to be listed as additional co-authors on the resulting paper, "Abnormal Effect of Incandescent Light on the Post-Prandial Triglyceride Response in Man";
- which will eventually be submitted three years later in different versions for potential publication in Lipids, Current Anthropology, and Journal of the American Medical Association; only to be returned for edits after three rounds of peer review before eventual publication four years after the study was first done;
- by which time it will have been superseded by two other light bulb studies performed in the interim.
Q. How many posters from the Internet's RAWLIFE list does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Everyone--all at once, in the dark, the blind leading the blind, since no one ever intended to change the bulb in the first place. (Bulbs cannot and SHOULD NOT be changed or even USED: they are a nefarious product of the minds of cooked-food science!)
Q. How many participants from the Internet's SCI-VEG list does it take to change a light bulb?
- One to post an abstract showing increased longevity from using narrow-spectrum vegan light bulbs;
- one more to make a point of discussing the study's epidemiological flaws in a showy public demonstration (for any outsiders who may be eavesdropping) of the listgroup's purported objectivity on the subject of narrow-spectrum bulbs;
- after which everyone nonetheless confidently agrees the bulbs are superior to natural sunlight anyway based on many previous studies that compared bulbs to standard American dim (SAD) moonlight;
- another participant to complain that the general public would be more motivated to try the narrow-spectrum bulb if instead of dubious health claims, more focus were put on publicizing that the true moral test of humanity lies in how much mercy we show toward abused flashlight batteries;
- and five people who signed onto the list last week to go ahead and just change the damn bulb, soon thereafter quietly unsubscribing to get on with the rest of their lives.
Q. How many "eat right 4 your blood-type" dieters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Four, of course: One for each type of person. Since each individual requires their own type of light, each has to bring their own bulb, and only one person is allowed in the room at a time.
Q. How many caloric restriction practitioners does it take to replace a light bulb?
A. Sorry, that's not up for consideration--the objective isn't to have nice bright light, but to do whatever necessary to extend filament life and keep bulbs from ever burning out. If possible, UNSCREW bulbs instead, place them in cryogenic storage, and wait until immortal filaments are discovered. For bulbs that absolutely must be used, the light switches should be replaced and rheostats installed to dim the bulbs to 1600 watts or less of total power consumption per day--after which you squint in the gloom and pray to god your own bulb doesn't burn out before the day immortal filaments finally arrive.
Q. How many breatharians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. However many it takes to get carried away talking about it. With enough of them spewing enough hot air, a strong-enough vortex could be created to suck the old bulb out and spin-doctor a new one right back in just from the twisted conversation alone.
Q. How many raw/fruitarian plagiarists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Three. One to secretly watch someone else change a bulb so they can then duplicate the process, stamp it with their own copyright, and claim to have invented the procedure. Another to steal a light bulb from a store since it was a discontinued make anyway, and the owner wasn't spreading enough light on their own like they should have been. And a third to actually change the bulb, deny the others helped, and then take all the credit plus actively promote themselves as the "world's foremost light bulb changer."
Q. How many Brix/produce-quality advocates does it take to replace a light bulb?
A. Yet to be determined. They all insist on sticking a wet Brix meter into the light socket, and instead of a Brix-level reading they get electrocuted. (Shocking but true.)
We're avid collectors of light bulb jokes, fokes, so if you've got one featuring your fave or despised dietary dogma, Socket to us, and if it flips our switch, we'll put it up in lights here for all to see.
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