The Raw Vegan Pledge
of Extremism, Ignorance & Denial

by Tom Billings
Copyright © 1998 by Thomas E. Billings. All rights reserved.
Contact author for permission to republish.

---

If you've just surfed into the Beyond Veg site and this is the first article on the site that you read, we'll give fair warning here that without a background context for the piece, you might falsely assume the Pledge is anti-vegan. (Vegans are known for--how to say it--taking their lunch far too seriously at times.) In reality, the Pledge is a call for reform in the raw vegan movement, disguised as sarcastic satire. To avoid any misunderstanding, we suggest you read through the other material pertaining to raw veganism on this site before reading the Pledge.

However, if you've already read a number of articles on the site or you're particularly adventurous, then you MAY be ready for the sarcastic humor of the Pledge. How can you tell? It's not hard: If the material on this website does NOT appeal to you; if it offends you by challenging many of the things you believe in; if it offends you by criticizing your lunch, then perhaps you should seriously consider actually TAKING the following pledge. On the other hand, if you appreciate the material on this site, you might find the lampooning here of raw vegan extremists to be very funny and "on target." Enjoy! :-)

Note: The following is intended as a sharp, sarcastic satire of the current state (1998) of extremism in the raw vegan world. If you are easily offended, you may want to skip this article.

---

1. The raw vegan diet is the one true religion and science of perfect health.

2. The vegan diet is based on high moral principles, particularly compassion.

3. Compassion should be promoted toward all living beings on this planet, with the obvious exception of those murderous meat-eaters and the "cooked," those who consume cooked foods. (Those who eat meat or cooked foods are degenerates, hence are "fair game" for insults, harassment, threats, and other similar forms of enlightened, compassionate interaction.)

4. The International Raw Alliance of Vegan Extremists (referred to hereafter by the initials: IRAVE) is an organization devoted to promoting the glorious 100% raw vegan diet.

5. IRAVE has extremely strict criteria for membership.

AND:

I wish to become a full-fledged member of IRAVE, including the rights and responsibilities thereof (i.e., the right to believe and follow, without challenge or question, the teachings of IRAVE, and the responsibility to regularly send money to the IRAVE leadership).

IN RECOGNITION OF THE ABOVE:

I do hereby, of my own free will, swear or affirm my complete allegiance to the following pledge:

• I will follow a 100% raw vegan diet, with no backsliding or exceptions! If asked whether I ever cheat on the diet, I will DENY it, and I will IGNORE the fact that others backslide or cheat. Remember one of the many brilliant slogans taught by the IRAVE leadership: Ignorance is bliss!

• I will IGNORE the post-1970 research that shows animal foods are a normal part of the diet of the great apes, our closest primate relatives. If challenged on this, I will DENY the validity of current research and claim that the apes eating animal foods are "in error," "perverted," or give other imaginative rationalization(s).

• I will IGNORE the scientific evidence that our prehistoric ancestors were omnivores. I will cite outdated (and retracted) dental wear studies to support my views. If necessary, I will DENY science and evolution, and adopt creationism, for the sole reason that it can be molded to support my false dietary dogma--that humans are natural vegans/fruitarians.

• I will IGNORE the evidence of comparative anatomy, which suggests that animal foods can be a natural part of the human diet. Instead, I will use the misleading human-lion-cow comparison, and claim that it shows we are natural vegetarians because we are "closer" to cows than lions.

• I will IGNORE any health problems that occur on the diet, and will consider them as a sign of detox, a sign from above that I am not fully complying with the glorious 100% raw vegan diet in the theologically correct manner. I will resolve to follow the diet ever more closely, and will resist all temptations by the evil demon of cooked foods!

• If 100% raw veganism does not work for someone, and the "detox" excuse fails, then I will use another unfalsifiable excuse: food quality. I will claim that their organic food was grown on a former toxic waste dump, or demand they produce a log of Brix readings and soil tests for all food in their diet. In so doing, I will IGNORE the reality that high-quality foods are but one factor among many others in diet; do not guarantee success on any diet; and I will DENY the reality that such demands are arrogant, hostile, and stupid.

• I will observe, and keep holy, the sacred sacrament of food combining.

• I will tell others that the diet is ideal, perfect, and natural, and will DENY the real experience of those who have problems on the diet, or for whom the diet does not work. The diet is Perfect: any problems simply must be the fault of the individual!

• I will DENY that modern fruit contains excess sugar; I will IGNORE the reality that people with high % fruit diets report the symptoms of excess sugar consumption (sugar highs/blues, fatigue, excess urination, thirst, etc.). I will claim that fruit is the "highest food," and will IGNORE the reality that modern cultivated fruit has been bred for generations (in some cases, literally thousand of years) for high sugar content.

• I will IGNORE the intellectual dishonesty of those who make unrealistic claims for the diet--that it will cure all diseases, bring personal happiness, perfect health, world peace, etc.

• I will promote, or tolerate the promotion of, raw vegan diets using fear as a major motivator: fear of cooked foods, protein, or mucus. In so doing, I will IGNORE/DENY that such motivations are mentally toxic, pathological, and promote mental illness.

• I will IGNORE or DENY the obvious reality that blaming the problems of the world on cooked foods is intellectually dishonest, and that promoting the fear/hatred of those who eat cooked foods (or meat) is analogous to racism.

• I will IGNORE or attack those who criticize the glorious 100% raw vegan diet, especially if they cite scientific research. Science is the product of the minds of cooked-food consumers, thus it is a product of the evil demon of cooked foods! Beware the monstrous demon of cooked foods!

• I will IGNORE those who encourage me to think for myself. Independent thought is similar to science, hence another trick by the demon of cooked foods! Instead, I will mindlessly follow all the teachings and guidance of the IRAVE leadership. What a wonderful blessing--I don't have to think anymore!

• I will IGNORE the reality that some raw vegan dogma is anti-common sense, and logically invalid/inconsistent. Once again, common sense and logic are like science--yet another trap by the clever demon of cooked foods.

• I will attack those who criticize the diet using anecdotal evidence, IGNORING the reality that only anecdotal evidence is available for many issues. Instead, I will demand published scientific studies on raw-fooders as proof, even though I cannot produce such studies to support my claims. If my approach is challenged as inconsistent, I will IGNORE/DENY it, as, after all, intellectual honesty and consistency are also products of the evil demon of cooked foods!

• I will never accept, and will always DENY, the reality that raw veganism is not the natural diet of humans, but is instead a restriction of that natural diet.

• I will IGNORE or condone those who promote the raw vegan diet via negative, hostile methods (harassment, threats, bullying, insults, etc.). I will claim that such tactics are a joke, a marketing ploy, or that the end justifies the means, if it saves people from the demon of cooked foods!

• If I, or other extremist members are criticized because our methods are anti-compassion, I will DENY that veganism has anything to do with compassion. I will claim that veganism is based only on animal liberation, and will IGNORE the obvious reality that, without compassion, animal liberation is meaningless--the equivalent of automobile liberation.

• If any of the leaders of IRAVE engage in plagiarism in furthering their agenda, as has been known to happen, I will IGNORE it. Although plagiarizing a book is stealing (of intellectual property), and presenting oneself as author of plagiarized material is lying, I will IGNORE (or even support) such activities if they promote the one true religion and science that is the 100% raw vegan diet.

• As a member of IRAVE, I will IGNORE and DENY the need for integrity. Integrity is yet another clever trick by the demon of cooked foods! By joining IRAVE, I adopt instead "raw integrity" and "raw courage," a radical lunch-based system of ethics, in which most any means--including lying and falsification of scientific information, cheating, etc.--are all good if they promote the glorious end we uphold: the 100% raw vegan lunch.

• I pledge to support the efforts of other members of IRAVE, even if they promote the glorious 100% raw vegan diet through such imaginative claims as "protein is poison," "fruit is just like mother's milk," and so on. If such claims are challenged, I will DENY the reality that they are crank science, and will instead assert they are valid science. Anything repeated often and loudly enough MUST be true!

• If a member of IRAVE claims to thrive on a diet, the calorie content of which is patently or demonstrably below starvation level, I will not challenge their claim, but will defend their claims when questioned. If necessary, I will IGNORE and DENY that such claims are apparent evidence of secret binge-eating and dishonesty by those making such claims.

• Whenever reality contradicts raw vegan dogma, I pledge to IGNORE reality and live in DENIAL. After all, a life of IGNORANCE and DENIAL is a life of pure joy and bliss, and a superior way of life, per the teachings of the IRAVE leadership.

• I pledge that raw vegan dogma (obsession with food and dietary purity) is the most important thing in my life, and in the world. Further, raw vegan dogma is more important than the safety, health, nutritional status, or well-being of other people. I will attack those who challenge my obsessions, and will DENY the reality that my attitudes are mentally UNhealthy, and a sign of serious mental UNbalance.

____________________

____________________ (Date)

Back to Humor & Satire